When a New Dawn Breaks

Two years ago today, I was sitting on a bus from Vienna to Berlin with the overwhelming sensation that the broken heart I was carrying would never heal. I had just ended a very complicated and painful relationship with someone who meant a great deal to me—again. Only, this time, it really felt like I was so completely drained, so traumatized by everything I had just gone through, that I could hardly fathom letting anyone close to me ever again. I was so full of rage and fear and despair, that I ironically felt almost nothing except the iron cage I was erecting to try and protect myself. The smallest touch was a potential threat, the slightest interest from anyone a blanket of obligation and guilt about to suffocate me into submission. I had no clue how to relate to anyone anymore or if I even wanted to.

 

On top of all that, I had been struggling with unemployment for years, my physical health, depression, and an intense feeling of ostracization from society. It felt like my goals and dreams were becoming increasingly unattainable—as if with each step I took in their direction, the further they seemed to stretch towards a horizon constantly outside my reach.

Now, two years later, I'm here to tell you that—even though my life is still far from perfect and I'm still working through a lot of the same themes—it has also completely transformed in a way that just sort of crept up on me ... I live in a cute little apartment in an area of town that I love, I have plenty of friends and family all over the world who love and support me (and vice versa!) in a healthier way than ever before, I launched an online presence (something I was working up the courage towards for years), and am building a business based on my own authenticity and the things that bring me joy: music, art, individual expression in general, mutual understanding, esoteric principles (astrology & tarot ftw!!), and a relationship with the Divine. The road towards my dreams is always a little fuzzy (as is inevitable) and my goals are always going to compete with the horizon (because I wouldn't want it any other way), but long enough have I carried the weight of a belief that says, regardless of the area of life, there simply is no hope for me. That I am unworthy. That I am unlovable. That I should just go curl up in a hole and die. 

I call big, stinking bullshit on that story right now. Because my eyes are finally opening up to all the ways in which my life has been trying to tell me otherwise. Our experience here is always going to be an ever-evolving journey with challenges along the way ... but after everything I've gone through so far, I know that not even the pain lasts forever and a new dawn really is just around the corner. 💗🌤️

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Cover image credit: Pixabay